


Monkey Business

by sidewinder



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Community: fail_fandomanon, Crack, Episode related: s10e07 Wildlife, I REGRET NOTHING, I regret everything, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-08
Updated: 2017-01-08
Packaged: 2018-09-15 18:47:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 738
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9250850
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sidewinder/pseuds/sidewinder
Summary: The greatest OTP in all of SVU's history.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [StanfouQueen](https://archiveofourown.org/users/StanfouQueen/gifts), [ALiteraryLady](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ALiteraryLady/gifts).



“Good morning!” John called out with bright enthusiasm as he entered the bullpen. 

“You’re in a chipper mood today,” Olivia replied, looking up from her desk with a smile. “Did you have a fun vacation?”

“Exceptional.” He went to the coffee station to get hot water for his first cup of morning tea. Several days off to spend time with his latest lady-friend had left him relaxed and refreshed for the start of another work week. Not even Mondays were going to get him down today. In fact, he felt ready for anything SVU could throw at him right now.

Well, _almost_ anything.

“Did I miss anything exciting while I was gone?”

Olivia and Elliot exchanged glances. Elliot shrugged and said, “Business as usual ’round here these days, I guess.”

Something about their looks and Elliot’s cautious words gave John pause, but he tried to shrug it off. It figured that Fin wasn’t in yet; he would have gotten a straight story from his partner.

John was just settling down at his desk to see what paperwork and other bureaucratic nonsense awaited him when he heard a strange howling emanating from the captain’s office.

_“Wa-waa-waaa-hoo-waa-hoo! Wa-waa-waaa-hoo-waa-hoo!”_

“The Hell?” John said. He looked up, but the other detectives weren't reacting to it at all.

 _Did I imagine that?_ John tried to shake it off, and get back to reviewing his messages. Maybe the captain was watching some bizarre or fetish sex tape for a case.  There was silence for a few minutes and then...

_“Wooo-hoo-hoo-hoo-wa-wa! Wa-waa-waaa-hoo-waa-hoo!”_

Again, John looked around and couldn’t believe the others weren’t responding to the noises. Olivia was on the phone as if nothing was wrong. Elliot was tapping his pencil against his desk, scribbling notes but not even looking up.

_“Hoo-hoo-waa-hoo!”_

_That’s it,_ John decided. He had to see what was going on in there. If the others were pranking him by feigning innocence, he wasn’t going to play into their games. He got up and walked to the captain’s office, knocking on the closed door.

“Come in,” the captain called, and John turned the handle and stepped inside. 

What he saw beyond the door was...definitely _not_ what he had imagined might be the situation. 

“Morning, John. How was your vacation?”

“Fine, but...Captain, _why_ is there a monkey in your office?” John asked. His eyes fixed on the light-furred primate jumping from one file cabinet to another.

“Actually she’s a white crested highland gibbon. Elliot and I rescued her from a smuggling ring last week.”

“Why was Special Victims involved in busting an animal smuggling—no, never mind,” John cut himself off. That was the least of his questions at the moment. “Is there a reason Animal Control didn’t take her?”

“Yes. I decided to adopt her. We had a strong connection from the instant we first met. Isn’t that right, Marge?” Cragen raised an arm and beckoned. The gibbon immediately jumped down onto his back and draped her arms over the captain’s shoulders. Her  _hooing_ turned soft and affectionate.

John was beginning to think he was having a bad acid flashback. Or maybe there was something in the water he’d used for his tea.

“Forgive me, but, isn’t it a little...peculiar to name a monkey—sorry, _gibbon_ —after your late wife?”

“Well, Marge—my wife—had really long arms, just like my baby girl here. And they both loved to climb all over me, so...”

 _Okay, that’s more information than I ever needed, but my mistake for asking._ John took a deep breath, sighed and said, “Well, then. I suppose I’m glad for you both.”

“Thank you. She’s made herself quite at home here in only a few short days. And she’s remarkably smart and perceptive. I’m thinking about enrolling her in officer training in the Springtime. We’re still short-staffed since Lake’s arrest and we could use someone with her keen senses.”

John ducked as Marge grabbed a Red Vine out of the jar on Cragen’s desk and flung it in his direction. “I’m...sure she’ll be a fine candidate. Right then. I’ll leave you both to your...whatever.”

He turned on his heels and left the office, closing the door behind the continued hooting and cooing. He then proceeded straight to the coat rack to grab his hat and scarf. 

“Where are you going?” Elliot asked.

“Home. Obviously one week’s vacation wasn’t enough. I’m considering a leave of absence.”

 

**Author's Note:**

> Yes, this was pure crack that I just had to write this week in order to (hopefully) cheer up some friends. Also loosely inspired by an [old thread at fail_fandomanon](http://fail-fandomanon.dreamwidth.org/207496.html?thread=1143353224#cmt1143353224) that has haunted me for months.
> 
> Also, according to [this article and research](http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-2908200/Learn-speak-GIBBONish-Scientists-decode-calls-white-handed-primates-develop-ape-dictionary.html#ixzz4VBoytl9A%20), 'Wa-waa-waaa-hoo-waa-hoo'  
> is actual gibbon-speak for "I'm a female gibbon and I'm with him".


End file.
